Well, I haven’t blogged in a while, so I thought I’d give it a go. I’m going to try something a little different from now on. I have a website. http://www.seanhayden.org. I thought I would move all my “book” related stuff and keep my blog here for rants, raves, and fun shtuff. So, I’f you’re looking for news about my books, CHECK OVER THERE!
So, as an inaugural post, I thought I’d pick something fun to pick on…I mean talk about.
So, boys and girls, today’s topic is…
DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHH
Why I Fucking Hate NETFLIX
by Sean Hayden
I was a late comer to Netflix. Oh sure, I dabbled with it in my youth, but the fascination quickly wore off. Then one day, I found myself separated from my wife with no cable. “Sure, I’ll give it another shot,” I said quietly to myself. It will help pass the time. I quickly fired up my trusty laptop computer and logged on to Netflix.
Have you ever had a turning point in your life? That was one of mine. I had a bad feeling about it, but I quickly suppressed the silly voices in my head ( I shouldn’t have done that. It makes them angry). I set up my account, chose my password, and then…hit my first snag. If there’s one thing I hate in this life, it’s OPTIONS.
What kind of plan do you want?
Um…there’s more than one? I just want Netflix
You can chose streaming only!
Um…what’s a stream? Is it bad if you cross them?
Or, you can chose streaming with one DVD out at a time.
Um…why would I want a DVD if I can watch a stream of it?
Well, the most POPULAR movies aren’t available as a stream. Just the shit movies nobody wants to watch.
Um…give me the DVD then.
Um…That’s what comes with the plan?
Well, silly. We have more than one DVD plan. You can select the Streaming and ONE DVD, TWO DVD, or THREE DVD plan.
Um…what’s the difference?
Are you fucking stupid? You get one, two, or three DVD’s
Um…I kinda figgered that. I meant the difference in price.
Oh, SILLY US. Well, its around 5$ more per month per DVD
Um…Okay. I’ll go with the 2 DVD plan.
GOOD choice sir. Not too miserly, nor too rambunctious. Right down the middle. I see you like to play it safe.
So. with that done, I was NOW a NETFLIXTER! Woo hoo. No longer would I have to be embarrassed when my friends asked me, “Have you seen this? Have you seen that?” Now I could respond without shame! I had joined the ranks of the masses! I had become one with the cinematic collective!
My first DVD came. I watched it. I don’t even remember what movie it was. I sent it back. The second one came and then the third one. I now had TWO movies out at the same time. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t chose.
And so life moved on. I kept up the charade of being happy for about a month. I watched a few movies. I sent most back without even watching. I probably wouldn’t have even opened them if you didn’t have to stuff them in those annoying fucking return envelopes that you have to line up the barcode through that little window thingy.
Then my universe crumbled.
NETFLIX TO RAISE PRICES
Ruh roh, raggy.
My 14 dollar bill had doubled. Well, being the frugal, pennywise, budget-conscious person (fancy term for BROKE MOTHERFUCKER), I decided to downgrade my plan and ditch the DVD’s.
Waa waaa waaaaaaaaa
Now I was paying for a service I hardly ever used. I watched anime, my kids watched other tv shows. You see I had given them my username and password so they could watch movies while at their mom’s house.
I got home from a particularly uneventful day of work
I plopped down on my couch
I turned on the xbox and brought up netflix
I found a nice looking morsel of japanese animation
I hit play
ERROR: your account has been downgraded to one stream. Please stop all other streams before watching on this device.
SO I called.
Sure enough. NOT ONLY HAD THEY RAISED THEIR PRICES, but now You only got 1 stream. You could only watch 1 movie. Unless you went back on the DVD plan. But, with each dvd you got an additional stream.
Let’s just say, I told Netflix what they could do with their streams.
VIVA LA REDBOX!