Home > Uncategorized > Excuse me. I just interviewed myself.

Excuse me. I just interviewed myself.


Due to the insanity that is me, I decided to do something today that probably has never been done. I often joke that I have multiple personality disorder. If you truly think about it, everybody does to some degree.Β  There’s happy Sean, depressed Sean, angry Sean, Intellectual Sean, Philosophical Sean, Sexy Sean, and my favorite…CRAZY SEAN. πŸ˜€ So, today I decided to make these personalities work for me. I’ve decided to interview…Us. We know the questions we don’t want to answer. But we’re gonna do it anyway!

As a famous (at least toΒ  your children) author, Could you please share with us your most embarrassing moment?

That’s easy. I was ten when my father retired from being fire chief of the suburb of Chicago we lived in (Arlington Heights, if you were wondering). Having battled fires in the fierce winters of Chicago, he wanted to retire someplace warm. Hell still had a chance of freezing over, so he moved to Port St Lucie, FL (It’s right next to Bumblefuck, Egypt). When we moved here, there were 20,000 inhabitants, er, I mean residents. The police department actually closed on Christmas and the school system was abysmal. My parents decided to enroll me in Catholic School. Joy.
I spent the next six years in Parochial Hell. I ignored the burning sensation on my skin every time we went to church and concentrated on the most important aspect of school. Having fun. Senior year, I went a little overboard. My parents went away for the weekend, so I did what any normal 17yo boy would do. Huh? No, I didn’t shave gophers and dye their skin purple. That was the weekend before. I had a party. With lots of friends. And lots of tequila. I swear to all that is holy, the next day I woke up in girl’s underwear, I had no eybrows, armpit hair, or leg hair and I had maple syrup in my hair. The very next day after that I had senior yearbook pictures. Ya, I have no eyebrows and I’m wearing a tux. I looked like a caveman going to prom.

Have you ever considered writing anything non fictional?

One day, when I’m old and grey, I plan on penning my memoirs. Expect them in late June! HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. No, I’ve been considering writing a series of blog posts on the zany wacky adventures of my life. That’s about as close to non fiction as I’m willing to go. Cept maybe a self help book for authors. If i make it big. I’d share what I’ve learned over the years. If there were mistakes to be made, I made them! Be nice to help new authors save themselves a few grey hairs.

What would you rather battle, mutated bears or an apocalyptic swarm of zombies?

Mutated bears any day. They can easily be defeated with mutated picnic baskets. Duh. You suck as an interviewer.

You think this is easy? You should try it!

Fine I will. I’ll ask the questions from now on.

Okay. Fine.

When was the first time you felt like an author?

Good question!

Thank you. Now answer it.

There have been several milestones. The first was holding my book contract in my hand. The second was seeing my book in electronic form on amazon.com. The third was holding the printed version in my hand. But the thing that sticks out most, was opening the cover after someone handed me a copy and asking me to sign it for them. That’s when I felt like I had truly become an author.

They didn’t mind you depreciating the value of the book by signing it?

No.

Weird.

I thought so too.

What are your ultimate goals for being a published author?

World domination. I want people to run up to me and ask me for my autograph. I want my Demonkin Series to be made into a movie and I want the series my son and I wrote together, The Magnificent Steam Carnival of Professor Pelusian Minus to be a series on the Disney Channel. I want to acquire vast fortunes, retire someplace cooler than hell, I mean Florida, and open a bookstore/castle.

You dream big, dontcha?

Yes. Yes I do.

If Chuck Norris got into a fight with Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees, and Michael Meyers all at the same time, who would win?

Since Chuck Norris could probably kick Godzilla’s ass, that has to be the dumbest question ever. Let’s switch agian.

Okay, fine. You’re a pain in the ass, I hope you know that.

I do.

Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?

I’m Team gonna kick your fucking ass if you bring up twilight ever again!

Gotcha. Let’s move on shall we?

Yes. Let’s.

Have you ever dressed up as a woman in your life?

How did I know you were going to ask that?

Because you’re me.

Oh, yeah. I forgotted. The answer to that is yes. Twice. Well the first time technically I was dressed up as a woman. I was 8. Cousin put me in a bikini and makeup and took pictures. My mom still has the only copy lying around somewhere. She threatens to send it to people all the time. The other time was at Halloween in high school. I dressed up as one of my teachers. Dr. Dvorak. Won first place in the competition. Very proud.

If you could be anybody in the world, who would it be?

Me, Just a lot more famous. I like being me. It’s fun.

What’s your favorite cereal?

Frosted flakes and corn pops. It’s a toss up. Sugar coated tasty flakes of wheat or Sugar coated golden balls of sweet crunchy heaven. Kellogs should mix them, put em in a box, and call em crack rocks. They’re that good.

You’re a pretty level headed guy. Is there anything that gets under your skin?

Egotistical people and greedy people. That’s about it. If you tell me how great you are, I will make it my life’s work to point out your imperfections to not only you, but those around you as well. Homey don’t play that. People who are not humble just irk the shit out of me. I’m a firm believer in “Everybody is created equal”, if you don’t think so, I take it upon myself to remind you. Greedy people piss me off too. If you are lucky enough in this world to be successful and do nothing to help your fellow man, you should be dragged across a fifteen mile stretch of broken glass by a 1973 ford pinto with a leaky gas tank. Just sayin.

Fair enough. Let’s wrap this up. One more question. Why should people buy your books?

Because I poured my soul into each and every one of them. It’s as simple as that. I try to create characters that would entertain me. I imbue them with qualities that I would like to see in my friends (if i had any). I put my humor in every page, even in the darkest of scenes. I don’t see myself as a great writer, but I can honestly say I have given you my best. I always appreciate honesty. If you don’t like something, I want to know. Authors who don’t value honest reader feedback shouldn’t be authors.

Well I hope you enjoyed our, I mean my, interview! Here’s your chance to vent. Tell me what you truly think about us! (me, damnit. I gotta stop doing that. I feel like Smeagle sometimes. Right my precious?

Buy this now, or I'll put you on my "People Who Suck" List



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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. April 21, 2011 at 11:43 am

    This is the silliest…. but funniest and most brilliant post I’ve ever read!! I love it… what a great idea to interview yourself (selves?!). I’me going to Blog This! to my blog so others can read it. Hee hee hee….. love it, love it!!

    • April 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

      Thanks, Suzy! I appreciate that.

  2. April 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

    What… no mention of the ducks? I’m disappointed πŸ˜›

    Just kidding, excellent interview and a fantastic idea! Now I know you even better…which is kinda scary…

    • April 21, 2011 at 11:57 am

      Lol, Damn. I forgot the ducks.

  3. antigone jimenez
    April 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    This was hilarious! It was great insight. I laughed the whole way through it. I’m still interested how you woke up with no eyebrows hahahah. Adventures of a Senior drag queen? Sounds like a novel idea hahaha no exactly your genre! haha thanks for the laugh!

  4. April 21, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Sean or whoever, I am LMAO as usual. You know I keep telling you, you are a sick man. Now you all are sick men! By the way, I am really great and I am team Edward! πŸ™‚

  5. Madison Woods
    April 21, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Haha, this was one of the most entertaining interviews I’ve ever read. Thanks πŸ™‚

  6. April 21, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    I hope you conducted this interview in public, in a very busy place. I would love to have watched πŸ™‚

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