Home > Uncategorized > WTF Does That Mean?!! E-F

WTF Does That Mean?!! E-F

Okay, here’s installment three. For those of you who have no idea what the hell this is I suggest you go back and read the first two installments of these. Basically I take the silly expressions from ten thousand years ago that are still floating around in the English language of today. People use them all the time and have no idea what they mean. I’m here to change all that. Hope you enjoy.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. – Probably my favorite of all time. Yeah. Early to rise. Makes me wonder if this saying came around before fucking coffee was invented. I doubt it. Early to bed and early to rise, increases the chances everybody around you dies. Ima grumpy bastard.

Easier said than done. – Yeah. That’s just dumb. I can SAY I can jump over a building. Be lucky if my fat ass can jump outta bed in the morning. FALSE!

Easy come, easy go. – Did you know this was penned by Chaucer? Did you know that Chaucer was a pervert? Think about it.

Eat to live, not live to eat. – So do not put me on that stupid ass Survivor show. “Where’d everbody go?” The guy with the funny statue asked. “Burp,” I replied.

Even the best laid plans go awry. – We plan, God laughs, and Uncle Vinnie records the whole damn thing with a camcorder. He sends it in to AFV and wins $100,000. I kill Uncle Vinnie and take his winnings. I say plan away.

Every cloud has a silver lining. – Bullshit. I looked.

Every dog has its day. – Come on, Spot. They were just your testicles. You don’t need those! They just get in the way. Look how much licking time I’m saving you!

Every garden may have some weeds. – Dude. Is that a hydroponic garden? Cooool.

Every man has his price. – Yeah. Mines a carton of smokes and a fifth of Jack. Whatcha need?

Every picture tells a story. – Yes. The picture of Aunt Bertha hanging in my mother’s hallway tells a tale of a need for plastic surgery in the early 1900’s. That is one ugly story.

Everybody makes mistakes. – Your parents did. Just sayin.

Everyone gets their just deserts. – Yeah. I asked for just dessert at dinner one night. My mom slapped my upside the head. I said, “But, mom, everybody gets them!” (P.S. I copied and pasted these sayings from a website that should proofread their work. Technically they just described a large body of sand bereft of hydration.)

Everything comes to those who wait. – Now that just a load of horseshit. I been waiting for my book to reach number one on Amazon for like ever. It ain’t happen yet. Ima stiiiiillllll waitin.

Everything in moderation. – Cept chocolate.

Expect the worst, but hope for the best. – I expect you’re a fucking idiot. I hope I’m wrong.

Experience is the best teacher. – No. That would have been Betsy. My babysitter. Sigh. Good times. Goood times.

Fact is stranger than fiction. – Um. Okay. See this face? This is ME, not believing YOU. The shit i write is just STRANGE.

Familiarity breeds contempt. – To know you…is to want to stab you in the eyeball with a fork.

Fear the Greeks bearing gifts. – (There might be a hair in it. Specially if it a green jello mold thingy with pineapple chunks in it) ((TRUE STORY))~shudder~

Feed a cold and starve a fever. – Either way. If I’m sick, I’m parking my ass on the couch with a bowl of applejacks.

First come, first served. – Okay. I’ll admit something. I’m torn between a prostitute joke and a sloppy seconds joke. You pick one. I’m sure you know what i’ll say either way.

First things first. – Um. Wouldn’t it have to be? Come on people.

Follow your dreams. – Um. So…it’s okay to walk into the middle of a Starbucks, butt ass nekkid, and demand to be fed scones by Natalie Portman on top of a giant banana cream pie? SWEET.

Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. – They mean Wal-mart. In case you were wonderin.

Forgive and forget. – After you humiliate and slap.













Categories: Uncategorized
  1. June 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Oh you made me smile! (Actually I need the loo) Thank you!

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: