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Going to McDonalds is fast becoming one of my least favorite things to do in the universe. Even going in there by myself for lunch has become a task that ranks right up there with neutering livestock. Okay, I’ve never deballed a cow but I imagine it is quite a horrific experience, not only for the cow, but for the poor bastard in charge of testicular manslaughter. Let me ask you this. When was the last time you walked out of McDonalds with a smile on your face? I’m loving it? Really? More like I’m regretting it. Especially when the gut rumbles hit you about an hour later. I had cramping. I had sweats. I had a pisspoor attitude. I hated everybody and everything. Basically my McFucking Double gave me JcPMS. If Ronald McDonald had showed his clowny ass in the local Mickey D’s there would have been blood on my hands and an undigested Big Mac in his colon.

So what is it that pisses me off about the golden arches? Pretty much everything. I could rant and rave for hours about it. I’m not going to. Instead I’m going to do what I hate most as a punishment to myself for repeatedly subjecting my cholesteral levels and cardiopulmonary system to such abuse. I’m going to make a list. For those that know me I don’t do lists.

1. Hofamama blaso fom dimgo? I’m sorry what was that? Yep. The fucking bastard with that piece of shit radioshack headset trying to take your order with 63 fucking cottonballs in his mouth. I USED to think it was poor functioning equipement. Pveave puf fowad to fif wimbo. You pull up to the first window and some zit faced asshat leans out and says, “Vata be fie thitty seben.” Oh, he talks like that in real life. Kill me now.

2. I like beef. Yeah, that round shaped shit between the stale bread? NEWSFLASH. It was never cow. We all grew up hearing rumors that The evil McDonalds Corporation experimentally put mealworms in their patties as a filler. I don’t buy it, somebody woulda found a little mealyworm leg or antennae or something. Now I ain’t accusin nobody of nuffin, but try a little science fiction experiment. Next time you go to the McD cafe, order a hamburger. A PLAIN hamburger. No ketchup, no onions, no pickles, no mustard. Just burger and bun. Take a bite. Let the squishy goodness flow over your tongue like a fine wine. That shit ain’t cow. Just speculatin’.

3. The Comercials. They have gone from everything from fucking listing all their ingredients (the ones they WANT you to know about) set to song, to how charitable they are, to rap, to crap, and everything in between. Now they’ve even gone to an NBC like jingle. Ba Da Da Da Da. Walk down the street singing that. Betcha you get some McNugget Addict smile at you and go, “I’m Loving it!” Fuck you buddy. Go to fucking subway. Now my question to you is WHY? Why McDonalds corporation? Why would you bombard us with endless mindless thoughtless ridiculous advertisements when you can’t go two blocks without seeing a ginormous yellow “M”? Why? The signage for the McDonald’s by the highways can be seen from space you fucktards! I think they actually brush the ozone layer.

4. Happy Meal Toys. I could stop there. No need to go on, but let’s persevere anyway. Everybody hates them. You have to be under the age of ten for them to be visually appealing enough to base your entire meal on just what restaurant has which toy that week. And yes, I am that lucky sumbitch who has gone from McDonalds to Burger King ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY, just because my girl and boy couldn’t decide which toy they wanted more. I must have that ESPN thing going on too, because I can hear you calling me a sucker. Well. Yes. Yes, I am. When it comes to the kiddos, I prolly woulda hit up taco bell too if they asked me. Now if we could all just agree on signing a petition to keep the dandy little toys asbestos and lead paint free and make them somewhere else other than China, I wouldn’t mind spending ten bucks for two hamburgers, two drinks, to tiny bags of fries, a cardboard box, and a choking hazard.

5. Bilingual fucking menus. Okay, let me just set the record straight. I’m not an Arizona cop/INS worker. I don’t care what country you’re from, I don’t care what language you speak, and I don’t care if you were born here or immigrated here. Just don’t care. I see people as people. With that out of the way, LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH IF YOU LIVE HERE GOD DAMN IT. I had to learn when I was a kid. For fucks sake, I even took Spanish for three years in High School! If i can learn your language, you can learn the language that has been spoken in this country for 236 years (calculator)! I might not be able to have a conversation about economics and philosopy in Spanish. But I can sure as hell go to fucking Taco Bell and order off the menu without sounding like a MORON. Surely you can say, “Hamburger” instead of “Hamburguesa.” Not that fucking different.

6. PRICE. This is probably my biggest pet peave about the Golden Arches. They have this thing called a dollar menu. You can order yourself a filling lunch for 4 dollars. BUT. If you don’t wanna eat crap and want the “good shit” you might as well bring a bonesaw with you to pay. “Southern style chicken sandwhich, large fry, and a coke? That will be one arm and one leg, please.” How much? My family sent me to McDonalds for dinner with a list (GRRRRRRR) of what everybody wanted to eat. Son likes those fancy shmancy chicken sammiches on the funky bun. Daughter likes angus. I like filet o fish and the fake chik-fil-a sammiches they got. Cost me thirty friggin dollars. I nearly grabbed the kid through the drive thru window and dragged him outside to suffer my wrath at the indignity of paying thirty dollars for shit food. The next day I bought Chinese and paid half for twice as much food. I think these fast food chains need to get a damn grip on their prices.

7. Two lane drive thrus. Have you seen these modern day miracles of engineering? Basically, the seven fucking mile long line that wraps around the building twenty two times before you reach the zit faced moron with the headset splits into two lanes. News Flash! It don’t fucking work. “Any lane any time” signs greet you. Ima get a staple gun and put my own sign up there. “This shit broke, fix it.” Basically you one lane faster than the other one, traffic jams, angry people, pissed off patrons, fighting to get BACK into one lane before you get to window 1, and zit face asking you when you pull up, “Which one was your order?”

8. GOING GREEN. You ever pee in a Mickey Dee’s? Have you ever washed your hands when you’re done? I should fucking hope so. Know what’s REALLY annoying? “In an effort to reduce waste, McDonalds does not use paper towel dispensers. Please use these ecofriendly warm air dryers to gently evaporate the water molecules from your hands.” Hey, McDonalds. BLOW ME! Know what else I use restaurant bathrooms for? Blowing my nose. Wanna know how fucking aggravating it is to go into a bathroom because the moron three tables over has an overfondness for pepper and your sixteen cubic ton air conditioning units that prevent your elderly patrons from decaying in the Florida heat and humidity just happened to blow fifteen grams of finely ground pepper in those tiny little packets straight up my nose causing me to launch a glob of nose pudding straight into my hand forcing me to run to the restaurant only to find you’ve gone GREEN? Guess what pal. So did my hand. I’m wiping that shit on your wall now.

9. The Fucking people that work there. OMG. The zit faced asshat in the drive thru is a fucking annoying trained ape. You ever GO INTO a McD’s and order? They put the fucking geniuses in the drive thru. Let me tell you what! You’re lucky if THEY speak english (maybe that’s why they have bilingual menus), you’re lucky if they don’t drool on your french fries, and you have to deal with them fifteen times as much because they keep fucking up your order! GRRRRRRRR.

10. Rondald McDonald’s Playland. God damn you to clown hell you dirty bastard. In the era of swine flu and MRSA, I want some shiny temple to kid sized gerbil habitats enticing my kids to 1. eat faster than they normally do. I had to smack a whole burger out of my kids mouth the other day. 2. play in its germ ridden (only amplified by Florida heat and humidity. They’re like tubular petri dishes) filthy holes and come out smelling like a High School locker room.  and 3. Run around shoeless in a friggin restaurant. Lose em.

Okay, that about sums up my rant. Needed to get that off my chest. WHEW! I feel better. Thanks. Huh? Why do I keep going back there? Oh. It’s across the street.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. June 30, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    ps. I just went there for breakfast!

  2. June 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I agree about the price. IT IS NOT CHEAP. The last time my family ate there we spent over $30. The next day we went to a sit down, nice (not fancy) place. Cost $25. Wait the sit down place was supposed to be more expensive.
    You could add. Why does Greyhound have to stop at all of them? I had to go to a funeral cross country. The only ticket I could get in my price range, that wasn’t booked was a Greyhound ticket. Every time we stopped for a break. There was a McDonalds. You think you can get sick of it after two meals in a row, try 15 meals there and back. You try to mix it up, there is no variety. Thank god I had the foresight to pack a huge bag of trail mix. Yup, I ate more granola and raisins that trip than should be allowed. But I could not eat that much McDonalds.

  3. June 30, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Okay, I laughed. Especially at the part where you smacked the burger out of the kid’s face. Because I’ve done that. Also, that’s the best interpretation of “going green” I’ve heard yet.

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