Home > Insane Ramblings of an Incoherent Mind > Why I should not be allowed on game shows

Why I should not be allowed on game shows


Hiya religious followers of my awesomesauce blog (Yes, I’m talking to both of you)

So, the other night I was lying in bed facing the inevitable inability to sleep. When lo and behold at midnight I received an email. From Mystic Arts Productions. Basically they’re the insane people who came up with the idea for the gameshow, Wipeout.

You see a few years ago we were watching the show and my kids said, “Daddy. You should go on that show. I bet you would win.” I thought about it and honestly, the big friggin kid in me thought, “Hmmm. It looks fun. I mean just look at all those happy contestants losing their drawers in six feet of mud.”

SO I applied. For two years I didn’t even get an interview. So when they emailed me at fucking midnight to say they were casting for season five, I jumped all over that shit. This year I’m trying a little somethin somethin…different. I answered all the questions…Sean Hayden Ninja style.

I hope I don’t catch shit from Mystic Arts Productions, but I figgered, you, my people, deserved to see my answers.

And PS, these are my gods honest answers. I’m just copying and pasting em here.

SO.

Here we go:

HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT CASTING FOR WIPEOUT?

I get these really cool emails from you guys. They say, “Hey, apply for Wipeout now.”

WHO IS YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER AND OCCUPATION?

REMOVED TO AVOID STALKERS. I have the distinct honor of being a fiber-optic engineer. What does that mean? It means I have the most boring job in the universe. Basically I melt tiny pieces of glass together and draw pretty maps on the computer all day. OH, and I’m a published author in my spare time

WHAT ARE THE MOST INTERESTING JOBS YOU HAVE HAD?

Luggage boy at Club Med. I have seen things. Glorious wonderful things that no 18 year old boy should ever have been exposed to. Sigh. I should never have quit, but being a 37 year old luggage boy isn’t that prestigious

WHAT IS THE NEXT MILESTONE IN YOUR LIFE BESIDES WIPEOUT?

I am a multi-published author of Urban Fantasy, Steampunk, Paranormal Romance, and Young Adult Fiction. My next goal in life is to be a SUCCESSFUL multi-published author. I want the movie deals, I want the book signings, and damn it, I want action figures

WHAT ARE YOUR SHORT TERM GOALS BESIDES WIPEOUT? PLEASE LIST

My short term goals include, but are not limited to, having a midlife crisis, buying a motorcycle, getting out of debt, learning a foreign language, and helping scrub puppies at the local animal shelter

WHAT ARE YOUR LONG TERM GOALS BESIDES WIPEOUT? PLEASE LIST

My long term goals are exactly the same as my short term goals, but I plan on utilizing a greater amount of time to accomplish them

WHAT SPORTS ORGANIZATIONS HAVE YOU BEEN A MEMBER OF? (I.E., HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE, MINORS, PROFESSIONAL, ETC…) PLEASE LIST ALL THAT APPLY AND LEVELS PLAYED

Sports? Um, yeah. I made the football team and some guy rammed his helmet into my junk and like flipped me over his back…It was very ninja like and painful. I tried out for the chess team the next day

PLEASE CIRCLE THOSE THAT APPLY: MARRIED, DIVORCED, SINGLE, BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP?

Separated. I am currently out on my own and living large. At my mother’s house. With my kitten. DON’T JUDGE ME.

HAVE YOU EVER WON ANY AWARDS/DISTINCTIONS?

Won a few math trophies in High School. Made the honor roll a couple of times

WHAT WERE YOU VOTED \”MOST LIKELY TO\” IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK?

REPEAT HIGH SCHOOL Just kidding. I was a big geek

WHAT ARE YOUR BEST QUALITIES?

My hair. No joke, It’s like 3 feet long. Oh and I have a charming personality, multiple tattoos and piercings, and I’m a big fun teddy bear

WHAT ARE YOUR WORST QUALITIES?

I speak fluent sarcasm

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Summoning extra-planar entities, basket weaving, writing, being a smart ass, kite flying, kitten shaving, yak herding, tweeting, biking, hiking, naked kyaking. OH! I almost forgot. Sometimes I like to dump a whole bunch of Mentos into two liter bottles of diet coke. That’s always fun

GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF WHEN YOU HAVE RISEN TO A CHALLENGE IN COMPETITION

One time…At band camp…Just kidding. Never in band camp. But I did slip Suzie Bloom a roofie in the middle of the spelling bee. I won

DO YOU HAVE ANY FEARS? IF SO, HOW DID THEY COME ABOUT?

Honestly, I haven’t come across one thing I’m afraid of. I mean if you dumped me in the middle of the Everglades with nothing but a pocket knife and a flashlight in the middle of the night, I’d probably crap a few kittens before the rescue air-boats showed up

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL OR STRANGE TALENTS?

I have the ability to read minds. I know what you’re thinking and no I’m not a liar

WHAT IS YOUR UNIQUE AND PERSONAL MOTIVATION FOR WANTING TO COMPETE ON THE SHOW?

Fame and fortune. Oh and I really want to do this for my kids. I know. It sounds corny, but they really want me to go on Wipeout. It’s like their favorite show. Next to iCarly

HOW WOULD YOU USE YOUR WIPEOUT WINNINGS?

I would use it to fund a campaign to wipe out world hunger. Okay. That was a lie. I’d buy a kick ass motorcycle

WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DO PEOPLE SAY YOU RESEMBLE?

I’ve been told several wrestlers (Undertaker, Big SHow), A Klingon, and one time, someone told me I looked like Brad Pitt, but she was pretty drunk at the time

IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD, REAL OR FICTION, WHO WOULD YOU BE AND WHY?

God. I think it would be fun to smite people

DESCRIBE YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT

Season 4 of Wipeout. When I didn’t get picked! Just kidding. Actually I’ve done tons of stupid crap. I probably should have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t. Not even when I kissed that guy on stage thinking it was a girl

IF YOU WERE GRANTED ONE WISH (HOWEVER IMPOSSIBLE), WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

I’d wish for a third arm to grow out of the back of my neck. I get this itch on my back that I can’t quite reach

ARE YOU CURRENTLY BEING CONSIDERED FOR ANY OTHER REALITY SHOWS? IF YES, PLEASE EXPLAIN

NO. But one day I hope to move to New Jersey and hook up with Snookie (did i spell her name right?)

CAN YOU SWIM? YES, NO OR NOT THAT WELL

Dude. I live in Florida. Everybody can swim

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  1. August 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    That just made my night! I’ll be watching for you on Wipeout…I’m sure you’ll get in this time. My four year old thinks that’s the greatest show on Earth.

  2. August 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Thanks Angela!

  3. August 18, 2011 at 2:19 am

    Lmao! Fabulous application, sure fire winning entry! ;-)x

  4. August 18, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Never even heard of this show but, damn, if I was to pick based on applications only, you’d be a shoe-in LOL Love it!

  5. August 18, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Hehehehe. Hope the producers agree with you Nathalie!

  6. August 18, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Yesssss! Buying up popcorn in anticipation 🙂

    • August 18, 2011 at 11:51 am

      Heheheh. You just wanna see me wipeout 😉

  7. Nicole Ruby
    August 18, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Oh my god that was funny! How could they not pick you! Please wipeout people- he’ll make you pee in laughter, …now excuse me!

  8. Scott
    August 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    If you don’t get in with those answers, something’s amiss. I had some great laughs. Never seen Wipeout though.

  9. August 18, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Wipeout is probably the funniest gameshow on tv. Crazy stunts, crazy people. I’d fit right in

  10. August 18, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    You cracked me up. Totally ridiculous and I bet you get chosen to audition. Good luck! BTW, Phil says you look like Chris Ferguson (http://www.chrisferguson.com/).

    • August 19, 2011 at 12:48 pm

      Tell Phil i suck at poker. I giggle like a bitch every time i get a pair.

  11. August 18, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Dude, there’s no WAY they’re gonna turn down a killer application like that! 😀

    • August 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      You’d be surprised. Some people just don’t get me 😉

  12. Dori
    August 19, 2011 at 1:20 am

    LMBO……. I have a few people you could smite. 🙂

    Knowing ABC they might put you in the not in this lifetime pile. However, I keep my fingers crossed that they will get a sense of humor and pick you. Good Luck.

    • August 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      Thanks, Dori! Good to see you out and about places other than Goodreads! 😉

  13. August 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I hope you get on 🙂

  14. August 20, 2011 at 10:50 am

    wow.. that was freaking hysterical! I would totally pick you if I was an applicant judge. Your sarcasm and honesty were remarkable. Love this,

  15. August 20, 2011 at 10:53 am

    He he. Great post. My favorite. See the commercials for wipeout and it looks dangerous. Hope you win as you climb another rung on your way to world domination. Ps. Any way you could put a word in for me for that luggage job?

  16. August 20, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Loved your blog! Made me laugh!

  17. August 21, 2011 at 6:33 am

    love it,love it,love it,love it…
    ‘i speak fluent sarcasm’ chortle,chjortle,
    absofuckinlutely brilliant :)))

    and u read minds 🙂

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