Home > Insane Ramblings of an Incoherent Mind > BACK TO SKEWL TIME!

BACK TO SKEWL TIME!


Ahh, fall tis a comin people. The green leaves on the trees shall give way to burst of colors, red, brown, and orange. Beach balls shall be replaced by punkins. The smell of coconut scented sun tan lotion shall give way to smells of peanut butter and jelly and the diesel farts of school busses. Shorts will be replaced with jeans and tanktops will be covered by seven T-shirts and a hoodie. It’s that time of year again people. Tis not autumn. Tis BACK TO FRIGGIN SCHOOL!

Many of you are probably wondering what this means. Well, to simplify it, I went ahead and made you a list of EXACTLY what back to school means. You see, recently I’ve been learning all about lists from a very listy person I know. SO, I’ve been takin listlessons if you will 😉

Thought I’d share this one with you.

What back to school means, a list.

1. If your kiddos are starting school tomorrow, that means you were frantically running around Walmart like someone stuffed a wad of fiery toilet paper in your shorts. You probably elbowed more than one nasty lady in the face attempting to grab the last three pack of glue sticks and you probably rammed the front of your shopping cart into more than one person who stopped to look at green three subject spiral notebooks.

2. It also means that your bank account balance coincidentally is right around your intelligence quotient. I mean really. Back to school SALE? I think the friggin schools are in cahoots with Walmart. Ever notice those spiral displays with all the friggin school supply list from every school in the tri-county area right there for you to grab and shop? WHO the fuck do they think their kidding? I mean really. It’s like the National Hurricane Center and home depot. (Let’s point seven of the spaghetti models right at Florida for a few days. They’re overstocked on generators) ((If you’re not from Florida, I apologize for the reference. Look in your address book and call anybody you know from the sunshine state, they’ll explain it to you))

3. You NOW have to leave for work 35 minutes earlier. You know you’re going to get behind no less than six of the giant cheese wagons before you even get out of your subdivision, and don’t forget…They pick up kids at every block now because kids are incapable of walking more than fifty feet at any given time or direction.

4. You can fucking FORGET about getting home in time for Seinfeld. Ain’t gonna happen. See reason 3 for reason.

5. You now have to get up an hour earlier. Those Peanutbutterjelly sammiches ain’t gonna make themselves people! Asides, who gonna wake up the chillenz, make sure they brush their toofers, wear matching clothes, have their agendas signed, packed up ALL their homework, are wearing matching shoes, remember to take their tae kwon do uniform, have their safety patrol belt, remember their lunch, remember their address, remember YOUR phone number, took their allergy meds, have their tiny bottle of fucking HAND SANITIZER strapped to their lunch box, remember their bus number, and have a #2 fucking pencil and seven bags of fucking school supplies.

6. You must now make sure you have your cellphone in the ON position at all times. Cuz you KNOW the minute you shut it off, the school gonna call and tell you your kid puked in PE class cuz their ass ain’t done nothing but play X-box and eat Doritos for 3 months. And no, I’m sorry ma’am, it’s school policy that once your child yaks in math class, they have to go home and seek immediate medical attention.

7. Your child shall be in school between the hours of 8 and 3 every day. You will be shuttling their ass to every fucking sport, club, cause, and activity from 3-8pm every night. Who’s cooking dinner? I have to get Rachel to ballet and then to soccer. ” “Well, I have to take Richie to fencing and water polo, so I can’t. McDonalds?” “Oh, sure! We haven’t had McDonalds in like, 3 months!”

8. Your weekends will be filled with shit that the school couldn’t schedule during normal business hours. Such as “beach cleanups”, “Fall Festivals”, “Let’s sing to the old people at the nursing home!”, and my personal favorite…”SCHOOL GARAGE SALES!” YAY! and WTF?

9. Your school volunteer hours will need to be completed in the next nine weeks or…Um..Excuse me? My what? You. Fat lady with the wart on your nose…Do you work here? “Yes” Do you get paid to work here? “Yes” Then why the fuck i gotta work at the damn pajama jam making fucking cotton candy?

10. The part of your paycheck that you DIDN’T spend on school supplies shall now be spent as you repeat section one of this list buying all the school supplies that they FORGOT to add to the list before it was electronically sent to the Walmart Distribution Center.

Well, I’m sure you can think of more shit that I forgot to put on this list. Feel free to add them to the comments section! HAVE FUN WITH SCHOOL!!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  1. Scott
    August 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Great rant. Sounds too familiar.

    • August 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

      I know right? Same damn thing every year. Sigh

  2. August 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    So true!
    The uniform, extortion I tell you! I agree there should be uniform, I dislike the limitations on only one shop to purchase from. £146.00 and still climbing! Great scam.
    I agree parents should be involved with their children’s education, I dislike containing myself from the parents ‘introduction’ at expressing to the headmaster, “Dude, I am going to poke your eyes out with a marsh mellow and silently implode if I have to sit here much longer listening to condescending drivel.” Ahem ;;)x

    • August 22, 2011 at 2:31 pm

      LMAO! Thanks for stoppin by, Despina!

  3. Dori
    August 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Yet you forget the ever loving bake sales for those inconvenient school trips that parents still have to pay $$$$$. Not to mention the crappy baked goods they sell that you wouldn’t give to your worst enemy but happy to buy to be supportive.

    And then there are school pictures with the cheesiest poses that even Sears wouldn’t do. (who picks those silly backgrounds anyway?) However as parents we are just glad to support our children being out of the house for a few hours for some peace and quiet. 😉

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