Posts Tagged ‘give up’

At a loss for words

August 14, 2011 23 comments

No, I don’t have writer’s block (or irritable vowel syndrome as I like to call it) and I doubt I ever will. You see I suffer from a highly overactive imagination as some of you well know. No that’s not the problem I’m dealing with. The problem I’m facing is the will to go on.

No, not with life. So you can put down the fingers and stop them from dialing 911. I’m not, was not, nor will I ever be tempted to take my own life. SO relax.

No the problem I’m facing is trying to become a successful author.

It’s not that I don’t have the time

It’s not that I don’t have the desire

It’s not that I don’t want to

It IS that I’ve hit that part of my career that I just don’t think I can do it. Have you ever noticed that the successful author stories always involve the word “LUCK”? It was pure luck that an agent finally read her manuscript. It was luck that a bigtime hollywood producer happened to pick up a copy of her book. It was pure luck that the big publisher she just signed a contract with found her manuscript in the slushpile. See, lately, my luck has been vershitten. Crap. Poor at best. Horrific even.

I wont go into details, but right now I even feel like my best friend has given up on me.*

Okay, a little clarification on the best friend statement above. THEY HAVEN’T given up on me. I’m a schmuck and wrote that without realizing the context. No, my best friend is my best friend. Their life is complicated just as mine is right now and I haven’t had them around as much as I WOULD like. I get cranky and stupid without them around. Carry on.

Let’s just say my life is complete shambles right now. I actually thought it was getting better for a while there… but we all know the old axioms about calms before storms, etc.

I really thought I had a shot at finding an agent this time for my latest book, My Soul to Keep. I wrote a kick ass ninja style query letter. It impressed one of my other friends so much he emailed me and helped me tone it down a little. So I did. I sent it off and still not one agent has requested full manuscripts. It had me down for a little bit, but I know how agents are (spawn of satan and all that). I figured I would give them til last Friday and then self publish it so I could retain my rights.

Then we come to the gist of this post. IS it WORTH my time to do it? Should I? I’ve even thought about sending it to my current publisher, but she’s so busy. Then I thought about sending it off to another small press…Again. Fail to see the purpose in doing so. I hate to whine and groan. But Damnit Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a writer. Okay I’m not a doctor either, but I stayed in  a Holiday Inn Express once…

Seriously. I do have a good career in fiberoptics. I’ll never be rich from it, but it pays the bills. Mostly. My question to the heavens right now is do I give up on the writing and concentrate on what I do know will keep my kids fed? A wise person once said, you can’t live if you don’t dream. What they forgot to tell me is that you can’t dream if you don’t live.

Stoopid bastards.

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